I TOLD YOU
I WOULD
CHANGE

pulling back my strings
they are loosely tied to a frame of wood
screeching and cracking
crumbling dried colour
that I haven chosen to love
it has become mine
and now you want to paint over it
but you can't get that colour back
it has been shaped by the wind
and refined by the sun
and who are you to cover years of labour?
if it's to keep the wood from breaking
hold your breath
it will not be healed
by superficial fixes

as soon as I land, I will have changed
entirely.
Slender and tanned
at the mountain's side
now I'm heavy and pale
in this land, in your presence
I'm entirely different
Drained of everything fluid
absorbing every drop
of bottled water
blue plastic sticking to my thigh
this place is like a garbage bag
with two strings on top
tying it tightly together
leaving its content to rot
soggy and weak remains
of what was once shiny and new and full of promises
I stare at the paper around my neck
at my name right there next to yours
they do not fit together
these colours don't make any sense!
someone will have to pay for it
and it might be me
but who knows what will become of this investment



returning to the clouds once more
traveling to my home in the rain
to entertain this grey version of me
in what world did I ever imagine myself staying
who knows, maybe I should
everything is temporary, they say
as though there was a single soul left in the world
unaware of this simple fact
so I temporarily indulged in this obsession of yours
but, as you know
all good things must come to an end
I wish I was better at quitting
A former champion
I have now become lazy and lax
holding on to ideas and illusions
of friends and foes
my short-term lifestyle turned out to be
somewhat permanent
now watch me put an end to it
faking a convincing conviction
down to the bone I feel shaky
of the uncertainty
and the thrill pulling along with it
let's make this the best bit
do something purely for pride
let's make this a feast for my loved ones

let's all be quitters tonight

was I there when it happened?
were you?
coming to terms with your flaws and mine
is too much to handle for both of us
how can you not see it?
can I?
nothing I felt seems to make sense now
but was it ever meant
to make sense?

what I need you to do is to leave me to myself
but you are here with me
in every move
every thought
every word
you define me and I let you
it's the hardest thing to distance myself
my house is not a home anymore
and I blame it on you

I want to get out
run away to the countryside
become the mayor of some small town in the middle of nowhere
will you follow me there?
humming every song I play right into my ear?

I'm done
I'll flee to the edge of the mountainside
become a goatherd
grow my own garden
whatever
just to escape from you

5000 potato crisps scattered on the floor of our apartment
5000 drops of raspberry syrup stuck on our white walls
too proud or too lazy to clean it up
we share conscious, vicious, ignorant glimpses towards the stained rug by the oven
chocolate chip cookies burning
we are escalating this situation
enjoying every miserable moment of it
you're sick
and I'm a junkie nurse pretending to make you better
listening to those sweet violin sounds makes us anxious, we feel trapped in harmony
pacing in circles like circus tigers
gurgling roars stuck in our throats
preparing to burst
we take a look at the crowd

but we all keep quiet
maintaining the game
just let it end
for crying out loud

I'm eating one jar of olives a day
drinking goat milk for breakfast
whatever you say
is music to my ears
your quietness like bathing
in sunflower seed oil
my skin aching
as we walk barefoot from the beach
over the gravel
our toes dry
and covered in sand
wind through my hair
through my skin
sun burning
fish below me feeding
purple plastic wrappers
closing corn cakes crisply
sweet plums dripping
uncontrollably

you move in just the right way
calm, gently, determined
and full of softness
and I will watch you endlessly


I'll meet you in darkness
to show you around
we'll talk about everything
or nothing at all
I don't care
but I do
care about you
the people around us
the things that they do
the things that they long for
the things that they fear
And after the day
I'll go for a night walk
to cool down the mind
to find what drives me
what I choose to keep near me

I'll walk
and please follow

over the bridge and down to the water
never too close
but as tight as can be
unbreakable tension
let your eyes rest
on me

we are giving what we can
and taking what we need
in this new bubble of ours
that will not burst but fade
for us to find our way
and to meet again
in darkness

we will keep this platonic
for now or forever
just know that you have my attention
if you need me, find me
I'll walk down from the hill through the meadow
surrounding the house I have built following your instructions
there's a deep love in my sight
my eyes tearing up
mouth out of control
in that silly grin of mine
leave me for the other side
I won't be here for your return
and you won't tilt your head as you're passing
no need for each other
no heartbreak
nothing

blow everyone's mind with your brilliance
but don't make it a habit
nobody wants to see you obsessing
keep your mouth shut at times in an open space
down in the valley, in a corner or on a rooftop
lay on your back with your eyes closed, your arms up
and give me a second to sense that you're breathing

It's like you're moving inside me
you can dress in anything
our touch beyond our shell
softening the air around us
my arms around you on unstable grounds
salty waters, take us away from here
over to the black rocks
foam at our feet
as we climb up to the highpoint
back to back
spies all around us
waiting for darkness
for our escape in the white sheets
like the waves of bliss on our faces
blinding everything near us

You're a strange place
holding history in your fangs so tightly
that nothing can get through in either direction
how do people live here?
you can only see Jupiter's head so many times before it gets old
as I write this though, even I have found my spots here
leaning on the warm rocks of Alcazaba fortress
passing the white house
watching the geckos playing on its wall
I firmly believe I can feel at home in any place
and that I'll never stop searching for a place to call home
You say there are too many options
and I couldn't agree more
sharing your admiration for the beautiful
if anything, makes me even more attracted to you
but beauty needs nurture or it might fade away quickly
and sometimes, I find, the most needed nurture is absence
As I was watching you kneel in the sand
between structures dating back to who knows when,
I started questioning everything
are you enjoying this?
I often wish you were like the police car I just watched
crossing a 2000 year old bridge
with no blink of an eye
no hesitation
they needed the bridge to get to the other side
and they didn't care about its age.

and so have I
stopped caring about my age
though I've never really begun to believe I was
too old or too young
for anything
I plan on settling down in a village in France
or by the coast of Andalusia
I want to sing and dance Flamenco every day of the week,
have late night dinners with friends and strangers and find meaning
in new things

I'm no longer sitting, I'm standing
my feet barely touching the ground
I'm no longer waiting

I'm no longer walking, I'm running
down the gravel road
looking neither left nor right
one focus point and nothing else around it
everything's a spiraling blur of bushes,
thorns and puddles
splashing up on my trembling body
there are many places calling me
and I aim to tend to all of them
ever shape-shifting for those who hurry
but my core is strong
too strong to shatter
and believe me, I tried for years.

All the snipers I've sent to do the job for me have failed, miserably

And now as I'm sitting on solid stones of the old Roman bridge, I find myself unable to move
looking to become one with the rocks
and settle in this dubious town
tired of moving
tired of change
tired of leaving

all I want is to become still and solid
and part of this bridge that has served humans for centuries
seeing their many errors and victories
I want to be a rock
If not here, then in any other place

tell me where to go
and I'll solidify at once
watching the gravel roll by
storms of sand passing
as I integrate
determined to become the wall of a run-down palace
too uncomfortable to move
so nobody bothers to even attempt
for me and my solid comrades to stay in this place
forever

you will stay with me, long after all this. Wherever you go. Maybe forever.
but it's not that easy and we shouldn't aim to contain this.
we'll leave a crack for the water to flow

It's a real shame you don't fit these aesthetics
your choral strength
covered by the sticky faces and abrupt movements of the stars

this bench is marked
standing isolated on the slope by the palace
built for representative purposes
for some former warmaker
with a view over the pale city
elegantly placed among the hills
empowered by the queen of all rivers
now transformed into an uptight garden
attracting visitors and inhabitants alike
starved of the wild
yearning to see at least one rebellious rose
creating first world problems for the gardeners
who really couldn't care less
except their livelihood depends
on taming these bushes

enthusiastic backpackers
glamorous globetrotters
hungry hipsters and me
in my bathing shorts
collectively contrasting the grandeur of this work
of exaggerated heroism
wondering if the architect was forced
to add those wannabe mythical statues

lionesses with yoga class asses
bare breasts and tired smiles
knowingly watering their view
to shield their integrity from this exhibition of tastelessness
wealth proving once more to swallow all sensitivity

worried for you in your state of growing exhaustion
feeling the urge to be near you
and you quietly calling for me
I'm well aware that nothing can stop us
but no aid can be given by someone who's half-asleep dreaming
nevertheless I long for our bodies to meet for a night, just like we're used to
out of compassion or out of tradition
I'm unsure of the source of my impulse
as always, we'll leave it to chance to fulfill our expanding desires
crossing the seas on a daily basis, you're creating nearly impossible conditions
for me
to keep up with you

dancing smoothly through the streets of Vienna
mastering my ability to change plans within seconds
charming strangers with simple tactics and honest conversation
I'm getting closer to finding a fitting transition for this symphony I'm co-creating
some whacky tune with changing collaborators, made-up genres and illogical instrumentation

only plain, conventional beauty will save this now and I've come to the right place
eventually touching a ground light enough to collect
every grain, every mineral
shedding off my skin as I succumb to the warmth of the sun
motherly stroking my hair until my eyes close, my weight shifts
and I turn around to face the horizon

with a gentle push, I'm back on track
my eyes open
the smell of sunscreen in my nose
remembering the perfect green of my bench
my forgotten friend
perfectly placed for whatever may come

it's the same river
but different waters
it's the same sun
but a different sundown
or maybe just a different me
desperate to find connections
trying too hard to make it easy
without anyone asking
something tells me this is not a home
but my own battlefield
and it won't welcome me until the battle is won
it's in the echoes of my street
and in the murmur of the shores
a distant noise behind the clouds
a soft cold wind in every store
it's in my eyes' reflection and in my coffee cup
accelerating rapidly
and every one-way street's a trap
though when you take a look at me
it seems unlikely you would know
that's the result, I'm telling you
of finding subtle ways to show
that something's wrong
that I have tried to solve
things on my own for way too long
so I have come down to the river
to collect my weapons for war
to ask for advice from the waters
who've grown wise on their way from the place they were born
they'll teach me to play with the solid
to keep the stream going and feel the resistance
shaping the land with gentle force
mourning no loss, floating with purpose
towards the black sea
as they put their armour on me
a light fluid garment of gold
they tell me whatever may happen
retreat is our final resort
you must not come looking for me
and abandon the battle ground
just find your way up to the fortress
and turn your head facing the north
you'll hear the evening winds' whisper
their message for only your ears to hear
only your skin to sense
and only your nose to smell
then return to fight until death
and choose where your body be buried
to kill is the only way forward
and rebuild from the parts that remain
for we cannot negotiate
with only one side giving
how would you raise a cardboard house
with only one side leaning
five swords taken away in hiding
two left stuck straight in the ground
reminding us

fights must be equal

for any side

to be won

drenched in light of gold, sacred or cursed is the earth I enclose
many have come
many have gone
I was worshiped and praised, I was judged and mistrusted
Once my towers reached up to the sky
they could conjure the fog and call in the waves dimming the light voices praying, screaming, of pain or of pleasure? facing death or praising life?
they lay deep buried below bones, shells and ashes, I've been a shelter, a temple, a grave down where the wildest wave crashes
Now as my walls have fallen all ashes have merged with the sand
they're asking to tell you my story based on what has not yet withered, make sense of my perishing skeleton and dig for treasure long hidden
I'll happily show them the traces, tell tales of what I have witnessed I'll read them my poems and sing them a song, I'll ask them to dance and show them my home
just lower your body down on me
and cancel the noise from the rising sea, take one breath through your nose, move the air down your throat then slowly release through the mouth
now softly position your fingers around my left lower back - put one palm on my hip
one lifting my lip moving down to my collarbone - place your chin against mine and slowly expand your breath, crossing my chest and down to my navel
my spine losing pressure, my stomach unstable, like a monster, disturbed in its sleep, release your embrace, and lower the tension, lay down on your back
and wait

for my hand to touch
one foot down your thigh, my nose on your neck, my cheeks red and warm from the rush my lips getting closer, shaking of vibrance, humming a song from my core
with the mist from the sea drawing nearer, my steps are echoed in mud, I'm sliding my arms around you, lifting you up
one hand tightly holding your ribcage, one flat on your back to keep you from falling regaining your balance with ease you look for the shore as they're calling
I'll lead my hands through your hair let our eyes meet while retreating still quietly singing my song to harmonize with my leaving

now when they return
to hear what you have learned
for the archives
how will you tell them?